my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……