My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
fair
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”