My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Come back with a warrant
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir