@squirrel74wkgn: My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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@OctopusCaveman: [About to have sex] Girl: Do you have a condom? Me: Yeah *bird screaching* Girl: I said condom not condor Me: *taking condom from bird's beak* Good boy Rory. Girl: Me: Don't you feel stupid now?
@BlindChow: Our sport needs a name "Does it use a ball?" No it's more of an oblon– "Do u move it with ur foot?" No it's mostly thro– "Football" Perfect!
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.