@XplodingUnicorn: My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
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@RocketRankoon: I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"