*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.