I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher