My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
You Might Also Like
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome