My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
bought wrong eggs
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.