My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell đ
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Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
Itâs titled âRock Papered by Scissorsâ
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Check out the legs on this baby
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Maâam this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Him [sexy voice]: letâs do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no thatâs where we eat
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I admire the sense of humor âCapri Sunâ execs had like âlet’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lolâ.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that sheâs had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. Sheâs outsmarted us all. Sheâs a little velociraptor.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Iâve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex canât use it anymore and it doesnât really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.