My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
You Might Also Like
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
That eye roll….
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.