@UncleDuke1969: My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
@blairgarner: To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?
@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st— ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data. INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we— ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.