“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You Might Also Like
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.