Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You Might Also Like
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.