Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”