a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice