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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
got so much cardio in today
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you