@amishschool: "My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner" I explain to the other homeless people.
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@FunkyFresh_79: Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
@laurajennyjo: *knock knock* Go away I'm not home "I can hear you" I can hear you too..go away "I brought food" What kind of food
@GetCougarized: I bought a laser pointer, but I don't have a cat. So I 'borrowed' my neighbor's toddler, but he doesn't seem to get it. Babies are stupid.
@shwebby3: Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor's front yard