“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The Others (2001)
We avoided this particular disaster
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun