@amishschool: "My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner" I explain to the other homeless people.
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@Jake_Vig: ME: I can understand why, it's so silky and luxurious. THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan. ME: Oh. I thought you said "satin."
@justabloodygame: [commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"
@nachosarah: hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair