“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.