My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.