My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
so this horse walks into a bar
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers