My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
You Might Also Like
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’d use my best pan on you.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules