@TheAlexNevil: My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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@TheAlexNevil: 7 barges into bathroom while I'm showering, laughs & says "I saw your peanut." He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: so what do you want for christmas? ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
@egg_dog: Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there's a fish & some bread on- oh no *house is overflowing with fish & bread* Jesus: i am so sorry
@jus4golf: I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who's the idiot now Mom!?