My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Woke up against my better judgment again
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.