@TheAlexNevil: My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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@KimmyMonte: Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
@AlcoholAndTacos: Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University." Me: "Yeah, I was visiting my sister."