@TheAlexNevil: My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
@SteveKoehler22: If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : "Their, there, they're. It'll be okay"
@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.