my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Simple
*bites zombie*
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
getting corrected
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
plums roundup
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.