@CroweJam: My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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@hamspamtymaam: Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I'm all that's left.
@pattymo: GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
@clairecdowns: Guy in USA:(phone) you ready? Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah Both:123 *each drop a piece of bread onto ground* Both: EARTH SANDWICH!
@PaperWash: Alien: We've returned, show us what you built with our technology Egyptians: ... Aliens: ... Egyptians: ok don't be mad