My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH