My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.