@iwearaonesie: my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me
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@QwertyJones3: Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
@QwertyJones3: [car dealership] "Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?" *Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS* "Oh."
@OtherDanOBrien: Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
@jilltwiss: My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won't marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?