@iwearaonesie: my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me
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@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
@darrinfb: I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.
@Be___Dope: Me: Sometimes I don't get Jo's tweets. Marta: Maybe you're not high enough? Me: * climbs tree