@iwearaonesie: my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me
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@duplicitron: You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
@Girl_Censored: A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.