my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.