I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The news in a nutshell.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
There is wisdom there.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.