@qwertying: My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
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@HatfieldAnne: “As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it's “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
@panmidwest: [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.