My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked