My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
One of the best
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday