@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SatansTongue: *daughter grabs 50 shades of grey* NO! *smacks it out of her hand* "I want to color!" ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK "But daddy-" DON'T CALL ME THAT
@therealeatwood: RUSSELL: I told you that cheese wasn’t for you ME: [bitterly, mousetraps on both hands] Nothing’s ever for me, is it Russell
@DrDogMD: Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me. DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?