My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
pat pat
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost