My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.