my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.