Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
im all 3
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education