@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's online shopping downstairs so I'm upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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@wickedimproper: People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
@pharmasean: I'm rubber, you're glue. He's scissors, she's a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
@TheWeirdWorld: If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.