My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.