My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break