My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*