@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
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@squirrel74wkgn: *knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "Huh? What?" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]
@50ShadesGran: Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
@ninjadinosaur1: I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you've obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
@IvoryGazelle: do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil' dudes knew, they were just mining and shit