@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
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@Ohgoddessitsme: My fathers wife bought a "Christian cookbook" I didn't even know they had different recipes, I've been eating sin all along.
@UncleDuke1969: Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me "YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY'RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO." Brain: Perfect!
@KeetPotato: "if you could be any animal what would you be" a cat "why a cat" [imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason] naps and stuff