crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*