My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
You learn something every day
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet