My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.