@citizenkawala: My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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@MsFoxIfUrNasty: M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn't perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God. H: This is our house. M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
@InternetHippo: GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that? YODA (taking notes): Yep
@protolalia: I'm 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.