My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
i wish i could marry a nap