My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Milk Cube