My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
repaired
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Cheer up.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”