MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day