My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.