Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
This is so me 😂😂
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hank is one in a melon.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.