@HallpassCanada: My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.
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@Branka_R: My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
@ruinedpicnic: [catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
@slimmy_shady: The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
@Hobo_Splendido: Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.