Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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handsome & gretel
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh