Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.